Tim Drake (![[personal profile]](https://www.dreamwidth.org/img/silk/identity/user.png)
peektuttut) wrote2009-03-01 08:25 pm
peektuttut) wrote2009-03-01 08:25 pm
Entry tags:
Back in Town, and Everything has Changed
I miss being a kid. Was it that things like this just didn't happen then, or was it just easier to deal with? I mean, I had everyone then. How many times did we almost die saving the world? How many times did we do it while laughing? I lost count. And it was never terrible. Even that whole - what did we call it...Imperiex? I can barely remember. Even when the JLA doubted Batman, Young Justice trusted me. Mostly. They were still my friends. Even that...
I miss Young Justice. I miss Cissie and Anita, haven't seen them in forever. I'm terrible at keeping in touch. I miss Slo-bo. Conner, Bart. Some days it feels like Cassie and I are the only ones left. I wish I hadn't left the Teen Titans - they aren't what they used to be, to me, they aren't what Vic built, they're barely what I built anymore, but it was something. And now I barely see Cassie. What bothers me most is that it almost doesn't phase me.
I said I'd never become like Batman. Obsessed. Closed off. But now...I don't know if there's any other way.
It feels like I've broken ever tie I've built recently. I can't keep hoping for other people to stand in and be some sort of guide light for me, that's just naive. I let Zoanne down so much because I couldn't balance my civilian life. Stephanie...just...I don't want to love her. And Jamie - she's too old for me, and definitely not interested. Pointless to hope for something that isn't going to happen; now I feel like a tool. Maybe he was right, to go about it the way he did. I don't know any other way. I don't even know how to behave around Alfred and Dick anymore. What they expect, what they think - I don't want to know, I don't want to know because I don't think I can fit into this small world of function I've made for myself.
It's so tempting. I've been wanting it, looking forward to it. I've been working toward it. And the past few weeks, it's been like holding my breathe, waiting for it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be allowed it, like it isn't for me. But I've wanted it for so long, I don't know what to do anymore.
Beating Shiva was a rush, but it's wearing off. Ribs are healing, the burns from Anarky are healing (I don't look like some warped version of Two-Face anymore, which is great) - physically, I'm feeling good again. I should feel good. I made this city mine. I saved people. I kept it together when it was on the brink of falling apart. Gordon put up a Robin signal for me. I should feel good, not - not empty. I don't know a less cliche way to think of myself. I feel empty, just like the cave feels empty, just like the manor feels empty. I don't know how to change it; just feels like I'm riding the wind, knowing I can't run far enough, but willing to give it a good try. A damn good try.
I haven't laughed while saving the world in years. I miss it.
I miss Young Justice. I miss Cissie and Anita, haven't seen them in forever. I'm terrible at keeping in touch. I miss Slo-bo. Conner, Bart. Some days it feels like Cassie and I are the only ones left. I wish I hadn't left the Teen Titans - they aren't what they used to be, to me, they aren't what Vic built, they're barely what I built anymore, but it was something. And now I barely see Cassie. What bothers me most is that it almost doesn't phase me.
I said I'd never become like Batman. Obsessed. Closed off. But now...I don't know if there's any other way.
It feels like I've broken ever tie I've built recently. I can't keep hoping for other people to stand in and be some sort of guide light for me, that's just naive. I let Zoanne down so much because I couldn't balance my civilian life. Stephanie...just...I don't want to love her. And Jamie - she's too old for me, and definitely not interested. Pointless to hope for something that isn't going to happen; now I feel like a tool. Maybe he was right, to go about it the way he did. I don't know any other way. I don't even know how to behave around Alfred and Dick anymore. What they expect, what they think - I don't want to know, I don't want to know because I don't think I can fit into this small world of function I've made for myself.
It's so tempting. I've been wanting it, looking forward to it. I've been working toward it. And the past few weeks, it's been like holding my breathe, waiting for it. Sometimes I feel like I shouldn't be allowed it, like it isn't for me. But I've wanted it for so long, I don't know what to do anymore.
Beating Shiva was a rush, but it's wearing off. Ribs are healing, the burns from Anarky are healing (I don't look like some warped version of Two-Face anymore, which is great) - physically, I'm feeling good again. I should feel good. I made this city mine. I saved people. I kept it together when it was on the brink of falling apart. Gordon put up a Robin signal for me. I should feel good, not - not empty. I don't know a less cliche way to think of myself. I feel empty, just like the cave feels empty, just like the manor feels empty. I don't know how to change it; just feels like I'm riding the wind, knowing I can't run far enough, but willing to give it a good try. A damn good try.
I haven't laughed while saving the world in years. I miss it.