peektuttut | [RL, Dick & Tim] Reaching For a Breath

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[RL, Dick & Tim] Reaching For a Breath

So. He was a girl. He was a she and his - her - anatomy was not the anatomy she'd been born with. Also, Tim had never been so damn confused by pronouns. The air in his room was cranked up, because the huge sweatpants and shirt did not make for easy living in humid weather. In any case, Tim the Girl Wonder (she hoped Stephanie never, ever found out about this) was stretched across her bed, staring at the ceiling and plotting Loki's demise.

How had this happened again? Note to self: never mock Bruce. That was, apparently, her downfall. Rubbing the bridge of her nose, Tim rolled over onto her side, shifting uncomfortable. Every time she walked around, her pants threatened to fall. Maybe she should've told Dick to bring a belt, damn.

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Fanning his fingers across her cheek, Dick was sure that she was nearly more embarrassed than he was at this whole thing. But he... Simply did not care. Tim's mouth felt wonderful against his own, and Dick made a quiet, happy noise when she leaned into the kiss.

This was ten shades of wrong, mostly because he probably shouldn't be kissing Robin, the supposed to be Boy Wonder and the fact that this was going to probably lead to something more and then mess up their relationship more... But Dick wasn't thinking much past 'Oh good, finally acting on that weird sense of attraction'.

Tim was trying hard - very, very hard - not to think too much about this. She had a penchant for thinking too much, for ruining things, and at the moment - at the moment she really, really didn't want to ruin things. "Dick," she murmured, not pulling her mouth away to speak.

"Hngh," was about his only reply to his name, and just sort of moved his hand into her hair instead. It would probably take quite a bit to ruin this for him right about now, feeling comfortable with this after a moment of pondering, and. Well. Tim was a good kisser.

Yes, yes she was. Lips parting, she - hesitantly at first - ran her tongue over his mouth. Her hand ran from his wrist up his arm, ducking under it so she could wrap it around his neck. There was a voice in the back of her head screaming in panic, this was going to end up so terrible, so fucked up, but it wasn't quite loud enough to make her pull away.

They tended to thrive in shitty situations, so opening his mouth to her errant tongue seemed to be the best decision he could make. He really did have un-acted-upon feelings for Tim, he realized, and had been squashing them until an opportune moment... when it would seem alright to be attracted to him. Like now, when he was a she and was. So damned pretty.

Closing his fingers around a loose handful of her hair, Dick tried not to think about the fact that they were both sans pants already, and that just made him think about it more. And kiss her even a little more eagerly.

It took Tim shifting her leg, feeling the bedspread against her calf to realize that yes, they were both in boxers. For a moment, discomfort crept up her spine; but then she shifted her hand up into Dicks' hair, and held tight, and suddenly it was gone. She'd gone after Dick as a kid - not, well not like this, she'd, er - she'd stalked him, but she could have easily gone through Alfred, and she didn't. It was Dick, it was always Dick. There had to be a reason (that couldn't just be the paranoia), and maybe this was it. Maybe. Tim made a quiet noise against his mouth and pressed up to run her tongue over the underside of his lip.

Dick had always had a soft spot for Tim, mostly because he was someone he could always rely on to be there for him when he needed him. Tim was dependable, stable (or appeared to be whenever Dick was losing it) when he couldn't be. And maybe he had gotten jealous at every new girlfriend that he watched Tim acquire, and relentlessly 'got back' at Tim by throwing himself into disastrous monogamous relationship after disastrous monogamous relationship. He'd... He'd admittedly starting liking Tim in a more-than-mentor-mentee way, and suppressing said feelings when he realized that they existed and that he shouldn't quite have them.

But he did have them. Did it really matter that he had waited until Tim was a girl before he kissed her? Maybe, but it wasn't... He still had no problem with the fact that he was a pussy about this. Hopefully Tim didn't.

It mattered. It definitely mattered, and was pulling its way to the forefront of her brain - but slowly, stupidly slowly. He was making it hard to think. Tim wanted to hold onto Dick, but she knew that it couldn't be this simple. When was it ever this simple? It wasn't. Christ, she was a fucking girl, of course it wasn't that simple. But Dick had kissed her, and though that meant so much - practically the world - there was a little gnawing in the back of her mind. Dick had kissed her, when she was a girl. So this was only because Loki made her a pretty girl. Right?

That thought had her pulling back, breathing unsteadily. She glanced at his face before dropping her gaze. This wouldn't happen again when - if - when she changed back. That was hard to swallow. And they'd had so many fights lately, what if this just fucked things up more? She couldn't do this alone - it would - well. 'Break' seemed so melodramatic, but she'd seen the future Batman she could become. Tim didn't want that, and if not fucking up whatever friendship she had with Dick meant not having anything else with him, she'd deal with it.

"Tim?" Dick asked, breathing heavily when she pulled away, vaguely concerned over the reason why she decided to do that. He hadn't kissed Tim just because she was... a she. No. That wasn't the case at all. It just made him freak out less about his feelings for him in all reality. At some point his eyes had closed and he blinked them open to look at her after a pregnant moment.

Licking his lips and tilting his head a little, Dick cleared his voice. "What's... what's the matter?" He was genuinely confused because most people didn't look so freaking embarrassed and possibly even hurt after being kissed. What did he do wrong? Oh god. Was she just responding because she felt obligated? It... it seemed like she'd just kissed him back because it was pity induced and Dick couldn't quite deal with that right now. He didn't want Tim's pity.

He wanted Tim.

Slipping off of Tim's bed and pushing his hand into his hair, the aerial avenger sighed and paced away from her. "I get it," he said with a short, unamused laugh. "You didn't have to placate me."

"I wasn't-" she cut herself short, teeth pressed down tight together. Raking a hand through her hair, Tim looked away, too afraid to look at him. She couldn't read his damn mind, and was notorious for not reading these things properly; what surprise was it, really, that Tim could fuck it up again? She wouldn't be surprised, if she knew.

But she didn't.

"I wasn't placating you." And, beyond that - Tim had no idea what to say. She kept her eyes averted, staring across the room, not wanting to make this worse than it was.

And that anger, that resentment he had for reasons that really didn't pertain to Tim was coming to the surface again. And the anger that did pertain to Tim was also surfacing. All because it was that same defense mechanism that he hadn't learned to control even after all the years of training. It is not a surprise that he hid behind a front, usually he just pulled away but he didn't want to just... let his realtionships crumble. Which meant that he got angry, and that was wrong. So wrong, but he couldn't help it. He didn't want to grieve anymore, so he was going to get angry.

Didn't want to be so wrong about the way he handled his affection, especially since he'd been shitty about the way he'd been treating Tim because of all of his misplaced anger. "Fine, Tim. You weren't placating me, but you clearly were kissing me for some other equally fucked up reason. God I just. I thought I just."

Pacing away from Tim, feeling inexorably crushed, Dick almost fled. But he turned sharply to Tim. "I don't know why you're freaking out. I'm the one that initiated it, who was stupid enough to think that you had feelings for me back."

"I d-" Do not say it! She cut herself off again, biting the inside of her lip. No, she wasn't going to say a damn thing. She was going to let Dick get mad, because then he'd go work off his anger, and maybe everything could just go back to normal. Tim pressed the heel of one hand to her forehead. "I'm not going to be a girl forever," she muttered.

"That's not what I care about," he bit out sharply. What the flying fuck? What kind of person did Tim think he was? "Is your opinion of me that low? Because if it is, please just let me know." That. That was less angry and more accusatory and just plain fucking hurt.

Tim kept from flinching, but jerked her head around to stare up at him. She'd drawn her legs up, arms circling her knees. Felt an awful lot like hugging herself. "It's not?" Her opinion of him...was pretty damn high, but why now, of all times, would he make a move? Why would he wait till now?

"No. It's just not. Tim. I can't believe you.... just." He was getting too frustrated for this sort of conversation. Trying to calm himself down he scrubbed at his face with one hand and gestured with the other. Spitting out a Romani curse and breathing out heavily, Dick looked at Tim with a very serious look on his face. "I didn't kiss you because you're a flipping girl, Tim. I didn't."

"Then why?" Tim locked her jaw, mouth pressed in a thin line, and she was working hard to keep that blank mask up. This wasn't fair, and she didn't understand why he was hurt. Didn't he get how fucking confusing this was? That wasn't fair, obviously he seemed to. But...fuck.

It wasn't fair is damned right. He's hurt because all he's getting from Tim is questions. Fucking questions about his reasons for kissing Tim... why. What sort of person doesn't understand why they're being kissed? "Why? Because. I have feelings for you Tim. Honest to goodness feelings and I didn't mean to just do that, but I didn't think you'd react so poorly. So I'm sorry. I'm sorry that I took a chance and fucking. Just messed up."

She opened her mouth and for the life of her, just didn't know what to say. How was she supposed to respond? He was angry, and she was making him angrier. She wanted to stop that, but - wasn't his anger better than being hurt later? Tim would handle his anger. She couldn't handle losing him all together. "You didn't mess - you - Dick, why now?"

"I honestly don't know, maybe I thought that since you were already in that body, that you wouldn't think that I was some degenerate freak for having feelings for someone that I rightfully should not have feelings for. Or maybe just because I was afraid that I wouldn't get another chance. Or something. I don't know, Tim. I don't know."

He just sort of burst, spewing words and feelings all at once and he wanted to hit something, make it explode just as he was. Like when he kicked that mailbox when Tim told him Bruce was adopting him. That would be a satisfying thing to do again.

Tim looked away again, poking one to against a snag in the bedspread. "Dick, it - the timing is just..." She trailed off, not wanting to insult him. Tim thought the world of him, but his relations track record was longer (and in some senses shorter) than his. "Look, it's-" She cut herself off, lifting her head to stare at him while she searched for the right words. "I - think - I like you. But I don't want it do be just because..." Just because Tim lost his junk and got tits instead.

He laughed. A short bark of a laugh that intoned everything but amusement. Frustration, anger, hopelessness. He just didn't know what to say, what to do here. Turning away from Tim, covering his mouth with his hand to keep from just spouting off obscenities right now. Calming down after a second, and swallowing the stomach acid that was creeping up his esophagus that was dangerously close to making him throw up, he turned back to Tim.

"I already told you that my feelings weren't conditional. I don't care if you have tits or not, Tim. You're still Tim no matter what the fuck you look like. But you seem to keep on insisting otherwise. If you want to think that, fine. Go ahead."

Her cheeks colored lightly; way to fucking read her mind. Damn it. Wetting her lips, Tim moved, sliding off the bed to walk over. She stood in front of him, head tilted back. "I'm sorry. I don't mean it to sound so bad, all right? It just keeps coming out that way, and-" She didn't want to over talk and fuck this up more. "Dick. I'm sorry. I don't want to think that." But I do. "I want - I want-" Talking failed, completely, so she rose up to her toes, reaching a hand to his shoulder to pull him down and kiss him.

"You don't mean it, but you keep saying it. Keep imply-" he was cut off sharply, unsure of what was going on for a long moment. And Dick almost wrenched himself away angrily. She didn't get to do that! Didn't get to interrupt him after accusing him, silently, of being basically a user, of sorts. Dick didn't do that. Not... not to people like Tim. But he didn't.

Didn't pull away and maybe used that anger to lean down into the kiss hard.

She closed her eyes tight, rocking back on her heels and pulling her with him, fingers laced in his hair. Fine, let him be angry, let him kiss her likes this, just let him keep kissing her. Tim opened her mouth against his, tongue reaching, and she just wanted to apologize properly, but that had always been a failing of Tim's. She was fairly sure it always would be.

He was only angry because that was all he could let himself feel right now without being disappointed, or so he assumed. But that lessened, very slowly, as his arms went around her waist. This probably wasn't furthering his point in her mind, and Dick was actually quite sure that Tim still didn't get it. And that was frustrating as all get out. Which made him open his mouth to her, pushing his own tongue against her, sliding slickly against hers. This was better than yelling, yes, but it was solving nothing.

[RL, Dick & Tim] Reaching For a Breath

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